Bernard’s heart was beating faster and faster. He knew Dracula would catch up to the group soon. Was there perhaps a chance they could win? A chance they might not have to sacrifice their lives and life force to that monster in near-human form? Could they possibly-
“Wah!” Bernard both dropped the book and threw it up into the air at the same time, scrabbling to get a hold on it again. He sat up in bed as Humphrey fell about laughing beside him.
“I am sorry Bernard. I didn’t mean to alarm you like that.” Humphrey teased, wrapping a comforting arm around Bernard’s shoulder. He was still short of breath, his heart beating faster than a government minister performing a policy U-turn.
“No... It’s alright...” Bernard sighed and put the copy of Dracula aside on his bedside table.
He lay down again, happy to feel Humphrey’s bigger frame press up against his back and arms slip round his waist.
“I didn’t know you liked vampire novels Bernard...” Humphrey whispered as he kissed up from the back of Bernard’s neck to his ear.
“Well I seem to have a taste for blood-sucking, manipulative creatures...” The lateness of the night was impairing Bernard’s judgement.
“You cheeky little-“ Humphrey began. Upon hearing Bernard’s cute, infectious laugh, he softened, unable to resist.
The pair began to drift off to sleep, still spooning as usual in their bed, thoughts of policies and paperwork dancing in their heads.
“Bernard...” Humphrey had a sudden thought.
“Perhaps it’s time I told you a little secret about myself...” Humphrey purred cryptically, voice dropping to a whisper again.
“Mm... Hold still. This should not hurt.”
Bernard turned a little to look over his shoulder. Humphrey leaned down, kisses ghosting Bernard’s neck. All of a sudden, it felt different. There was a pleasurable, almost pain, from the spot Humphrey was kissing.
When he pulled away, there was blood on his canines.
“Oh my...!” Bernard sprang away, right to the top corner of the bed. Humphrey was up on his hands and knees, leaning forward as he licked the blood from his long, white fangs.
“You taste simply divine Bernard. I don’t know quite how I’ve managed to resist up until now...” Humphrey lunged forward at lightning speed. “Or if I’ll be able to resist from now on.” He sunk his teeth into Bernard’s neck once more who was too paralysed with shock and fear to move, his entire body frozen as he watched Humphrey’s neck and shoulders, seeing Humphrey swallow and knowing what it was he was ingesting.
It was frightening but also... dare he admit... arousing?
With a shudder of pleasure, Bernard fell back into his pillow, Humphrey still attached to his neck. The blood loss was sending Bernard heady. Humphrey could feel one part of Bernard’s body up against his thigh though which certainly didn’t lack in blood though.
Bernard soon passed out, a daze of pleasure and tiredness washing over him as he sacrificed part of himself to his master.
It was morning.
The pair were still in bed together of course, both asleep and dozing like Ministers in the House of Commons. Bernard’s eyes fluttered open and he saw the soft, greying hair before him which he slipped a hand into, pulling up gently to kiss Humphrey on his mouth. There was no taste of blood left.
All of a sudden, Humphrey was kissing back; powerfully dominant with the tongue he slipped dexterously into Bernard’s mouth.
“Good morning my dear Bernard...” Humphrey leaned up and caressed his younger lover with a free hand. “How do you feel then?”
“Oh, fine. Why?” Bernard seemed altogether quite perky.
“Do you remember last night at all?” Humphrey was purring, sitting up but pulling Bernard close as well.
“Oh yes, of course. You’re a vampire.” He said it so candidly Humphrey couldn’t help but laugh.
“It doesn’t surprise you, I take it then Bernard?”
“Not at all. It seems quite natural.” Bernard smirked back, watching Humphrey’s lips for a sign of those long fangs.
Humphrey wanted to roll his eyes but his dignity stopped him. There was one more little surprise for Bernard left however.
Humphrey closed his eyes and Bernard watched, suddenly jumping when a large sound similar to a cape unfurling heralded the two massive black, bat wings that grew from the Cabinet Secretary’s back. His skin went even more deathly white, lips a deeper red in contrast. When he turned and smiled, exposing two elongated canines and opened his now crimson eyes, Bernard jumped on instinct back and out of bed.
“Oh God!” Bernard never blasphemed usually but then neither did he deal with unholy demons every day in Westminster either.
“You seem surprised Bernard. I thought you were comfortable with the idea.” Humphrey teased, beckoning Bernard back to bed.
He felt compelled to return but Bernard resisted for a moment, “I... I suppose I wasn't quite expecting that... Crikey!” Humphrey flapped his wings, glad to finally stretch them again.
Slowly, Bernard edged back to bed and into the arms of a vampire who leaned down, piercing Bernard’s neck but only sucking a little of his sweet blood out. Moaning in pleasure, Bernard was aware of wings closing around him protectively. Humphrey may have been a moral vacuum, evil, Machiavellian, and even a vampire but he really did love Bernard and found himself surprisingly thinking, that the young, cute Principal Private Secretary was the most important thing in the world.
With the sudden revelation in the forefront of both of their minds, they prepared for the rest of the day at Westminster.
“Good Morning Prime Minister.” Humphrey said cheerfully. Bernard checked but there was no trace of those long fangs in his smile, no change in skin tone to betray anything to Jim. Not being a trueborn vampire, Humphrey was able to be out in sunlight and survive without blood along with disregarding most of the other myths held about vampires.
“Ah good morning Humphrey, Bernard. What’s on my calendar today then?” Jim was still looking through the newspapers and probably had been doing so since breakfast.
“This afternoon you have a meeting with your press officer to discuss your up and coming TV interview Prime Minister.” Jim looked up from the paper, staring off dreamily with a Churchill-esque look on his proud face. “But this morning is currently free.”
“And therefore the perfect opportunity to discuss the new civil service bonus allowances. How fortune.” Humphrey smiled, pulled at the crease in his trousers and sat, sliding the file across to Jim.
“No Humphrey. You do not need more bonuses. Especially not for promotions. A promotion is a bonus in itself.” Jim was irritated with Humphrey persistence over this idea for the past few days.
“But Prime Minister... It would not be for my sake.” Humphrey feigned shock and naivety, looking peculiar in doing so. “Think of all those little assistant secretaries to your Ministers. Don’t they require incentives to work hard and do their little best in hope of one day getting a promotion?”
“Thank you Humphrey, but promotions seem a part of the job as far as the civil service is concerned. I don’t think they need incentives to try their best, which they hardly do anyway. Unless you count in trying to obstruct their ministers.”
“Civil servants always try their best.” Humphrey said indignantly. “Just look at Bernard and myself.” Bernard raised his head from his writing and blushed.
“Yes...” Jim nodded along. “You two are always trying your best but hardly ever in the right direction I find.” Humphrey looked aghast. “You two are always in your office Humphrey, over one of the desks usually with your trousers down. But I suppose you must be trying your best at that...” Jim grinned and Humphrey looked away in disgust.
“Humphrey always tries his best to please Prime Minister.” Bernard piped up from the end of the table getting two withering looks.
“Yes... well anyway... If civil servants are always trying their best as you say, then why do they need these bonuses as incentives to try their best?” Jim asked across the table, believing he had Humphrey on the ropes.
“It is the principle Prime Minister!” Humphrey banged his fist silently on the desk.
“Here we go again...” Bernard muttered to himself.
“People can always give a little more if they have the incentive to do so. By putting this scheme through, even jobs that feel they have no responsibility will strive to their potential in the hope of promotion and a monetary bonus. With all those civil servants pulling their weight for once, the system might begin to work more in your favour.” Humphrey incentivised Jim.
“How is it possible to pull your own weight?” Bernard cut in before Jim could answer. “You can pull the weight of something else but it is very difficult to pull your own weight because it is a part of you and therefore-“
“Yes, yes... We get the picture Bernard.” Jim stopped him there, just as Bernard was reaching down to his waist to demonstrate. “It’s an expression. And have you seen the weight of some civil servants Humphrey? If they could pull their own weight, they would be the strongest man in Britain.” Jim joked.
“Strongest men in Britain.” Bernard corrected, annoyed at having been cut off.
“Prime Minister, this plan makes sense.” Humphrey got the group back onto the main discussion once more.
“No, it does not. I don’t want to hear anymore about it.” Jim shut the file and put it aside.
Humphrey closed his eyes in desperation, “Then I’m afraid, Prime Minister, that you leave me no choice...”
Bernard only looked up from his notes when he heard that unfurling sound, seeing Jim’s frightened and pale face equal with Humphrey’s who had transformed once more into his proper vampiric form.
“Bernard! Get security! Get Jesus! Buffy! Anyone!” Jim jumped back out of his seat and hid behind it.
“And tell them what? That the Cabinet Secretary is a vampire?” Bernard enquired naively.
“Yes! Just get them- You knew?!” Jim suddenly realised.
“Of course. I mean, I only found out last night...” Bernard seemed totally unperturbed, unlike Jim who watched Humphrey with dread as he stretched and flapped his wings menacingly.
“Prime Minister.” Humphrey began. “Perhaps it would be best if you were to sign that document about the bonuses now.” He stepped forward, disappearing, and then reappearing at Jim’s elbow who jumped away, forming a cross with his fingers.
“Humphrey...” Jim stuttered.
“Mm?” He cocked his head and revealed those long canines with a lick of his tongue.
“You’re not... going to bite me are you?”
“Perhaps...” Humphrey took a step forward menacingly.
Jim swallowed. “I’ll sign it!” He stammered.
“Oh good! I knew you’d see sense in the end.” Humphrey looked very pleased as Jim crept forward, grabbing the file and moving away to sign it.
With shaking hands, he offered the signed file to Humphrey who walked past him, stopping beside Bernard on the way.
“To my office please Bernard.” Humphrey purred. There was no part of Bernard that wanted to resist and he hurried out behind Humphrey.
“The Cabinet Secretary... A blood-sucking demon...” Jim sat down with his head in his hands. “I suppose I should have seen that coming.”
Life only got harder for the Prime Minister of England after that.
Every time he displeased Humphrey, tried to go against him, Humphrey would transform, lean in close to his neck and Jim would crack, giving in to any demand.
Bernard was no help at all;
“He’s your boyfriend. Can’t you do something about him?” Jim had beseeched Bernard when they were finally alone together one time.
“My apologies Prime Minister, this isn’t something I have much say in with Humphrey.” Bernard had looked away.
“Can’t you... Withhold it from him...?” Jim asked frantically.
“No...” Bernard said dreamily, placing his head in his hands and sighing.
“He’s a demon.” Jim sat back and folded his arms in angry desperation.
“I know...” Bernard was still dreaming like a schoolgirl. That strong, pale body wrapped around his. Wings large and imposing. Those teeth
piercing his neck and those eyes piercing into his mind... “Oh Humphrey...” Bernard mumbled wistfully.
“Bernard!” Jim practically shouted.
“Oh gosh! Yes?” Bernard sat up in shock.
“I implore you. There must be something you can do. For England?” Jim was begging him and he knew Bernard’s strong morals would come through.
Bernard struggled internally.
“I’ll... try...” He finally consented, unable to just sit by and let England be destroyed at the hands of his vampiric boyfriend.
Talking with Humphrey provided no hints on how to stop him. He was obviously immune to garlic as Bernard had cooked for him using it many times before and although a stake through the heart would work, it would also kill Humphrey.
If there was no way to cure him, Bernard knew he would have to match him.
Slipping out on a free day he had soon, Bernard knew he would have to do something he would regret for the rest of his life. After having finally shaken him from his life, he knew now there was only one person, one old friend, who could help him now.
Going back to him now would mean never getting rid of him again though.
With a nervous hand and heart, Bernard paused before the door, finally letting his hand fall and knock.
“Just a minute...” Someone called from inside and Bernard’s heart both leapt and sank. He loved his old, best friend but the problem lay more in the love, worship and affection, the friend had for him.
The door was yanked open and Bernard swallowed, seeing those auburn eyes go wide and sparkle with delight.
“Derek!” Basil jumped on him and pulled him inside, nearly strangling Bernard in the process.
“Hello Basil...” Bernard choked out when he was released, Basil still holding hands and staring at him with a happy blush forming on those freckled cheeks.
Basil was roughly the same height if a little shorter, having barely changed in the decade or so they had been apart. His hair was long, tied in a loose, rough ponytail which barely kept it in check. Still the same sense in fashion, Basil was currently wearing a blue suit, orange waistcoat and bright green ascot, looking as charming as he always did in Bernard’s opinion. The brash colours were a contrast with Bernard’s own and he couldn’t help but smile, seeing the long, fluffy brush that emerged from the back of Basil’s trousers shake and swish side to side with delight.
“Oh Derek... Where did you go? I missed you so awfully much...” Basil pouted, looking cute and sad. Bernard always found it hard to talk to Basil without blushing or smiling at how cute he was.
“It’s Bernard now...” He reminded Basil.
“Oh yes.” Basil flopped a paw-like hand camply and pulled Bernard through to the living room and down onto the sofa, cuddling up close to Bernard and into his lap, head staring up. Bernard could see from his eyes he was as enamoured with him as he had been all those years ago.
“I might forget occasionally though. You’ll always be Mr. Derek to me...” Basil nuzzled him affectionately.
Bernard sighed, holding Basil away by the shoulders. “Basil stop. I have a boyfriend now. You can’t act that way to me anymore.” He tried to act serious and still kind but was finding it hard.
“Boy...friend?” Basil began sniffling, about to cry.
“Yes...” Basil started crying and Bernard couldn’t help but pull him into a hug, stopping the tears a little. “I take it you still have a crush on me then.”
Basil nodded. Bernard sighed, remembering why he had wanted to keep Basil out of his life all these years. He didn’t often cry but was forever making inappropriate remarks and gestures towards Bernard, touching him with no regard for situation.
“Is it... definite?” Basil asked, turning over to lie on his back in Bernard’s lap, paws up cutely like a cat or dog.
“Yes. Humphrey’s my soul mate.” Bernard said with more conviction than he ever normally used in speech.
“Humphrey?!” Basil laughed. “But I’m your soul mate Derek...” Basil slipped a paw round his neck, smiling and trying to break Bernard.
“No Basil.” Bernard reached up, holding Basil’s hand and caressing his palm as he removed it from round his neck.
“You have two soul mates. One as Derek and one as Bernard.” Basil claimed, looking pleased with his reasoning.
Bernard had no response to that, unsure about it himself.
“Basil... I came here for a favour.”
“Oh yes...?” Basil chuckled in that low, fox-like way. He sat up, putting a hand on each of Bernard’s thighs and looking at him as if he knew exactly what kind of favour Bernard wanted.
“Not that kind...” Bernard blushed.
“Oh yes, of course. You get Humphrey to do that for you now.” He lingered on Humphrey’s name as if it was a joke.
Bernard sighed, wondering if he really would be able to resist Basil’s dashing charm and naughty inferences. Why he had ever resisted Basil with that long, silky looking hair and brush which could probably do the most dexterous and marvellous things in bed, was beyond him.
“I...” Bernard leaned in, whispering the entire situation to Basil who listened intently, glad to be so close to his Derek once again.
“I see...” Basil considered. “I think I can help you Derek... But what’s in it for me?” Basil moved forward, sitting further into Bernard’s lap till their crotches were nearly in contact.
“Not... that...” Bernard blushed and looked away. Perhaps it was Basil’s sexual nature that had made him so repressed now, unable to even say the word.
“Righto old chap. But you owe me in the future Derek.” Basil reminded him. Bernard nodded.
Chuckling to himself, Basil leaned in, pulling down the collar of Bernard’s shirt.
Bernard was glad it was nearly winter. His plan would not work otherwise.
Entering the Prime Minister’s cabinet room with only a few minutes of the day remaining, he found Jim and Humphrey engaged in a discussion which appeared to be reaching its end.
“That is final Humphrey.” Jim decreed decisively.
“Oh really Prime Minister?” Humphrey stood, transforming into his full vampire form. Jim’s face showed he was about to perform another political U-turn- uh, policy rethink...
“On second thoughts, it’s not such a bad plan after all...” Jim said hurriedly, frightened for his life.
“I’m glad we’re in agreement.” Humphrey sat again, watching with those crimson eyes to see Jim sign.
“Wait.” Bernard said, striding forward from the doorway. It was very late, five minutes till 6 and the moon was already up, trying in vain to pour through the drawn curtains of the office.
“Yes Bernard?” Humphrey asked, glad to see his little blood donor again.
“Humphrey...” Bernard fidgeted. “Sir Humphrey...” This was obviously about something serious then. “It’s... not right to force the Prime Minister into all these things by threatening him. I think it’s wrong...” Bernard said, hoping his courage would hold.
“Oh really Bernard?” Humphrey stood, facing him with a confident smile.
“I am afraid Bernard, that your argument holds little gravitas here and now.” He glanced round at Jim who recoiled.
“Humphrey... I think you’ve gone, no offence intended of course, uh... mad with power...” Bernard admitted, staring into those alluring crimson eyes.
“Gone mad with power?” Jim joked. “How droll.”
Humphrey glowered at him. “Do you really think that Bernard?” He asked earnestly, looking back to the smaller Principal Private Secretary.
“Yes.” Bernard nodded, trying to raise a little courage. “And if you persist then...”
“Then?” Humphrey was intrigued. Could Bernard; dear, tame, weak, little Bernard, be trying to threaten him?
“Then I will... have to stop you.” Humphrey and Jim burst out laughing at how pathetic that sounded from Bernard who couldn’t even meet Humphrey’s eyes when he said it.
“If you are trying to defeat me with laughter, it is working Bernard.” Humphrey observed as Bernard strolled over to the curtains, taking hold of one in each hand.
Shaking a little, he threw them open and bathed himself in the moonlight.
Jim and Humphrey stared, open-mouthed and intrigued as Bernard crouched, hands over his face. Two orange ears sprouted from the top of
his head, pushing through his hair alongside his normal human ones. A long, bushy, furry brush emerged from the back of Bernard’s trousers, standing straight up and wiggling from side to side.
Bernard stood, looking at his hands. They were unchanged. He span round wildly noting the overwhelming lack of change.
“Oh...” His brush stopped wiggling and fell like his heart. His plan had failed.
Humphrey and Jim fell about in hysterics.
Bernard checked once again for claws or even any extra orange fur but there was nothing but the small orange ears and large, fluffy, duster like brush. He was disappointed by the lack of any hidden abilities such as enhanced strength or speed either.
“What on Earth are you doing Bernard?” Jim asked between the laughs.
“I was trying to help you. I thought by becoming a werefox-“
“Werefox?!” Jim and Humphrey echoed in unison, falling back into hysterics.
“I thought that I might be able to match Humphrey and help you. I appear to have failed however...”
“Oh Bernard...” Humphrey came over to him, human again. “You did that, to try and stop me?” He asked, disbelievingly.
Humphrey sighed with a hidden chuckle. “Dear Bernard...” He pulled him into a hug which sent his brush wagging again. “You could have just said.”
“I’m very sorry Humphrey. It will only happen again in plenilunio.” Bernard smiled sheepishly and flattened his ears.
“In whato?” Jim asked.
“On the full moon.” Humphrey clarified, stroking those cute, little ears and giving Bernard’s brush a pull to check it was real. He turned to Jim properly. “My apologies Prime Minister. I was out of line. It will not happen again.” Humphrey attempted to show some respect to his supposed master who merely answered with a grunted,
“Yes, well... I think it’s time we all went home.”
Bernard and Humphrey looked at each other, said goodnight to Jim and left.
In the car ride back, Humphrey asked the obvious question Bernard had been expecting for a while now,
“How exactly did you become a werefox Bernard? Just who or what bit you?”
“Uh well, I have a strange friend who is part fox...”
“Part fox?” Was Bernard being literal?
“Yes. He is human, well sort of, but also part fox. It’s quite intriguing...”
“I see... Are you in the habit of keeping friends like that?” Humphrey smiled at the thought of Bernard surrounded by cute, little animals.
“Oh no. Basil is special.” Quite literally...
“Basil? As in, the best friend you named your puppy after?”
“Uh, yes...” Bernard had forgotten about little Basil. At least he didn’t flirt like the real one.
“I see... Do they look similar?”
“Not exactly. Basil has a brush like mine except all of the time. Apart from that and the way he acts, he’s quite human.”
“I see...” Humphrey was intrigued. This was quite a new side to Bernard’s life. “Is there any chance of you inviting him round some time for a
meal? I would quite like to meet him.”
“Oh no. That wouldn’t be a good idea Humphrey...” Bernard fidgeted, his brush quite uncomfortable to sit on in the car.
“Oh really?” Humphrey wondered why. Bernard was not normally so elusive.
Either way, they were home soon and once inside, Humphrey took Bernard’s buttons and clothes in hand, removing them all.
In the interesting of learning more about werefoxes of course.
- More yes minister fic