(no subject)
Picture dumping Florida wallpaper

More yes minister fic
Bernard’s heart was beating faster and faster. He knew Dracula would catch up to the group soon. Was there perhaps a chance they could win? A chance they might not have to sacrifice their lives and life force to that monster in near-human form? Could they possibly-


“Wah!” Bernard both dropped the book and threw it up into the air at the same time, scrabbling to get a hold on it again. He sat up in bed as Humphrey fell about laughing beside him.

“I am sorry Bernard. I didn’t mean to alarm you like that.” Humphrey teased, wrapping a comforting arm around Bernard’s shoulder. He was still short of breath, his heart beating faster than a government minister performing a policy U-turn.

“No... It’s alright...” Bernard sighed and put the copy of Dracula aside on his bedside table.

He lay down again, happy to feel Humphrey’s bigger frame press up against his back and arms slip round his waist.

“I didn’t know you liked vampire novels Bernard...” Humphrey whispered as he kissed up from the back of Bernard’s neck to his ear.

“Well I seem to have a taste for blood-sucking, manipulative creatures...” The lateness of the night was impairing Bernard’s judgement.

“You cheeky little-“ Humphrey began. Upon hearing Bernard’s cute, infectious laugh, he softened, unable to resist.

The pair began to drift off to sleep, still spooning as usual in their bed, thoughts of policies and paperwork dancing in their heads.

“Bernard...” Humphrey had a sudden thought.


“Perhaps it’s time I told you a little secret about myself...” Humphrey purred cryptically, voice dropping to a whisper again.

“Oh yes?”

“Mm... Hold still. This should not hurt.”

Bernard turned a little to look over his shoulder. Humphrey leaned down, kisses ghosting Bernard’s neck. All of a sudden, it felt different. There was a pleasurable, almost pain, from the spot Humphrey was kissing.

When he pulled away, there was blood on his canines.

“Oh my...!” Bernard sprang away, right to the top corner of the bed. Humphrey was up on his hands and knees, leaning forward as he licked the blood from his long, white fangs.

“You taste simply divine Bernard. I don’t know quite how I’ve managed to resist up until now...” Humphrey lunged forward at lightning speed. “Or if I’ll be able to resist from now on.” He sunk his teeth into Bernard’s neck once more who was too paralysed with shock and fear to move, his entire body frozen as he watched Humphrey’s neck and shoulders, seeing Humphrey swallow and knowing what it was he was ingesting.

It was frightening but also... dare he admit... arousing?

With a shudder of pleasure, Bernard fell back into his pillow, Humphrey still attached to his neck. The blood loss was sending Bernard heady. Humphrey could feel one part of Bernard’s body up against his thigh though which certainly didn’t lack in blood though.

Bernard soon passed out, a daze of pleasure and tiredness washing over him as he sacrificed part of himself to his master.
It was morning.

The pair were still in bed together of course, both asleep and dozing like Ministers in the House of Commons. Bernard’s eyes fluttered open and he saw the soft, greying hair before him which he slipped a hand into, pulling up gently to kiss Humphrey on his mouth. There was no taste of blood left.

All of a sudden, Humphrey was kissing back; powerfully dominant with the tongue he slipped dexterously into Bernard’s mouth.

“Good morning my dear Bernard...” Humphrey leaned up and caressed his younger lover with a free hand. “How do you feel then?”

“Oh, fine. Why?” Bernard seemed altogether quite perky.

“Do you remember last night at all?” Humphrey was purring, sitting up but pulling Bernard close as well.

“Oh yes, of course. You’re a vampire.” He said it so candidly Humphrey couldn’t help but laugh.

“It doesn’t surprise you, I take it then Bernard?”

“Not at all. It seems quite natural.” Bernard smirked back, watching Humphrey’s lips for a sign of those long fangs.

Humphrey wanted to roll his eyes but his dignity stopped him. There was one more little surprise for Bernard left however.

Humphrey closed his eyes and Bernard watched, suddenly jumping when a large sound similar to a cape unfurling heralded the two massive black, bat wings that grew from the Cabinet Secretary’s back. His skin went even more deathly white, lips a deeper red in contrast. When he turned and smiled, exposing two elongated canines and opened his now crimson eyes, Bernard jumped on instinct back and out of bed.

“Oh God!” Bernard never blasphemed usually but then neither did he deal with unholy demons every day in Westminster either.

“You seem surprised Bernard. I thought you were comfortable with the idea.” Humphrey teased, beckoning Bernard back to bed.

He felt compelled to return but Bernard resisted for a moment, “I... I suppose I wasn't quite expecting that... Crikey!” Humphrey flapped his wings, glad to finally stretch them again.

Slowly, Bernard edged back to bed and into the arms of a vampire who leaned down, piercing Bernard’s neck but only sucking a little of his sweet blood out. Moaning in pleasure, Bernard was aware of wings closing around him protectively. Humphrey may have been a moral vacuum, evil, Machiavellian, and even a vampire but he really did love Bernard and found himself surprisingly thinking, that the young, cute Principal Private Secretary was the most important thing in the world.

With the sudden revelation in the forefront of both of their minds, they prepared for the rest of the day at Westminster.
“Good Morning Prime Minister.” Humphrey said cheerfully. Bernard checked but there was no trace of those long fangs in his smile, no change in skin tone to betray anything to Jim. Not being a trueborn vampire, Humphrey was able to be out in sunlight and survive without blood along with disregarding most of the other myths held about vampires.

“Ah good morning Humphrey, Bernard. What’s on my calendar today then?” Jim was still looking through the newspapers and probably had been doing so since breakfast.

“This afternoon you have a meeting with your press officer to discuss your up and coming TV interview Prime Minister.” Jim looked up from the paper, staring off dreamily with a Churchill-esque look on his proud face. “But this morning is currently free.”

“And therefore the perfect opportunity to discuss the new civil service bonus allowances. How fortune.” Humphrey smiled, pulled at the crease in his trousers and sat, sliding the file across to Jim.

“No Humphrey. You do not need more bonuses. Especially not for promotions. A promotion is a bonus in itself.” Jim was irritated with Humphrey persistence over this idea for the past few days.

“But Prime Minister... It would not be for my sake.” Humphrey feigned shock and naivety, looking peculiar in doing so. “Think of all those little assistant secretaries to your Ministers. Don’t they require incentives to work hard and do their little best in hope of one day getting a promotion?”

“Thank you Humphrey, but promotions seem a part of the job as far as the civil service is concerned. I don’t think they need incentives to try their best, which they hardly do anyway. Unless you count in trying to obstruct their ministers.”

“Civil servants always try their best.” Humphrey said indignantly. “Just look at Bernard and myself.” Bernard raised his head from his writing and blushed.

“Yes...” Jim nodded along. “You two are always trying your best but hardly ever in the right direction I find.” Humphrey looked aghast. “You two are always in your office Humphrey, over one of the desks usually with your trousers down. But I suppose you must be trying your best at that...” Jim grinned and Humphrey looked away in disgust.

“Humphrey always tries his best to please Prime Minister.” Bernard piped up from the end of the table getting two withering looks.

“Yes... well anyway... If civil servants are always trying their best as you say, then why do they need these bonuses as incentives to try their best?” Jim asked across the table, believing he had Humphrey on the ropes.

“It is the principle Prime Minister!” Humphrey banged his fist silently on the desk.

“Here we go again...” Bernard muttered to himself.

“People can always give a little more if they have the incentive to do so. By putting this scheme through, even jobs that feel they have no responsibility will strive to their potential in the hope of promotion and a monetary bonus. With all those civil servants pulling their weight for once, the system might begin to work more in your favour.” Humphrey incentivised Jim.

“How is it possible to pull your own weight?” Bernard cut in before Jim could answer. “You can pull the weight of something else but it is very difficult to pull your own weight because it is a part of you and therefore-“

“Yes, yes... We get the picture Bernard.” Jim stopped him there, just as Bernard was reaching down to his waist to demonstrate. “It’s an expression. And have you seen the weight of some civil servants Humphrey? If they could pull their own weight, they would be the strongest man in Britain.” Jim joked.

“Strongest men in Britain.” Bernard corrected, annoyed at having been cut off.

“Prime Minister, this plan makes sense.” Humphrey got the group back onto the main discussion once more.

“No, it does not. I don’t want to hear anymore about it.” Jim shut the file and put it aside.

Humphrey closed his eyes in desperation, “Then I’m afraid, Prime Minister, that you leave me no choice...”

Bernard only looked up from his notes when he heard that unfurling sound, seeing Jim’s frightened and pale face equal with Humphrey’s who had transformed once more into his proper vampiric form.

“Bernard! Get security! Get Jesus! Buffy! Anyone!” Jim jumped back out of his seat and hid behind it.

“And tell them what? That the Cabinet Secretary is a vampire?” Bernard enquired naively.

“Yes! Just get them- You knew?!” Jim suddenly realised.

“Of course. I mean, I only found out last night...” Bernard seemed totally unperturbed, unlike Jim who watched Humphrey with dread as he stretched and flapped his wings menacingly.

“Prime Minister.” Humphrey began. “Perhaps it would be best if you were to sign that document about the bonuses now.” He stepped forward, disappearing, and then reappearing at Jim’s elbow who jumped away, forming a cross with his fingers.

“Humphrey...” Jim stuttered.

“Mm?” He cocked his head and revealed those long canines with a lick of his tongue.

“You’re not... going to bite me are you?”

“Perhaps...” Humphrey took a step forward menacingly.

Jim swallowed. “I’ll sign it!” He stammered.

“Oh good! I knew you’d see sense in the end.” Humphrey looked very pleased as Jim crept forward, grabbing the file and moving away to sign it.

With shaking hands, he offered the signed file to Humphrey who walked past him, stopping beside Bernard on the way.

“To my office please Bernard.” Humphrey purred. There was no part of Bernard that wanted to resist and he hurried out behind Humphrey.

“The Cabinet Secretary... A blood-sucking demon...” Jim sat down with his head in his hands. “I suppose I should have seen that coming.”
Life only got harder for the Prime Minister of England after that.

Every time he displeased Humphrey, tried to go against him, Humphrey would transform, lean in close to his neck and Jim would crack, giving in to any demand.

Bernard was no help at all;

“He’s your boyfriend. Can’t you do something about him?” Jim had beseeched Bernard when they were finally alone together one time.

“My apologies Prime Minister, this isn’t something I have much say in with Humphrey.” Bernard had looked away.

“Can’t you... Withhold it from him...?” Jim asked frantically.

“No...” Bernard said dreamily, placing his head in his hands and sighing.

“He’s a demon.” Jim sat back and folded his arms in angry desperation.

“I know...” Bernard was still dreaming like a schoolgirl. That strong, pale body wrapped around his. Wings large and imposing. Those teeth
piercing his neck and those eyes piercing into his mind... “Oh Humphrey...” Bernard mumbled wistfully.

“Bernard!” Jim practically shouted.

“Oh gosh! Yes?” Bernard sat up in shock.

“I implore you. There must be something you can do. For England?” Jim was begging him and he knew Bernard’s strong morals would come through.

Bernard struggled internally.

“I’ll... try...” He finally consented, unable to just sit by and let England be destroyed at the hands of his vampiric boyfriend.
Talking with Humphrey provided no hints on how to stop him. He was obviously immune to garlic as Bernard had cooked for him using it many times before and although a stake through the heart would work, it would also kill Humphrey.

If there was no way to cure him, Bernard knew he would have to match him.

Slipping out on a free day he had soon, Bernard knew he would have to do something he would regret for the rest of his life. After having finally shaken him from his life, he knew now there was only one person, one old friend, who could help him now.

Going back to him now would mean never getting rid of him again though.

With a nervous hand and heart, Bernard paused before the door, finally letting his hand fall and knock.

“Just a minute...” Someone called from inside and Bernard’s heart both leapt and sank. He loved his old, best friend but the problem lay more in the love, worship and affection, the friend had for him.

The door was yanked open and Bernard swallowed, seeing those auburn eyes go wide and sparkle with delight.

“Derek!” Basil jumped on him and pulled him inside, nearly strangling Bernard in the process.

“Hello Basil...” Bernard choked out when he was released, Basil still holding hands and staring at him with a happy blush forming on those freckled cheeks.

Basil was roughly the same height if a little shorter, having barely changed in the decade or so they had been apart. His hair was long, tied in a loose, rough ponytail which barely kept it in check. Still the same sense in fashion, Basil was currently wearing a blue suit, orange waistcoat and bright green ascot, looking as charming as he always did in Bernard’s opinion. The brash colours were a contrast with Bernard’s own and he couldn’t help but smile, seeing the long, fluffy brush that emerged from the back of Basil’s trousers shake and swish side to side with delight.

“Oh Derek... Where did you go? I missed you so awfully much...” Basil pouted, looking cute and sad. Bernard always found it hard to talk to Basil without blushing or smiling at how cute he was.

“It’s Bernard now...” He reminded Basil.

“Oh yes.” Basil flopped a paw-like hand camply and pulled Bernard through to the living room and down onto the sofa, cuddling up close to Bernard and into his lap, head staring up. Bernard could see from his eyes he was as enamoured with him as he had been all those years ago.
“I might forget occasionally though. You’ll always be Mr. Derek to me...” Basil nuzzled him affectionately.

Bernard sighed, holding Basil away by the shoulders. “Basil stop. I have a boyfriend now. You can’t act that way to me anymore.” He tried to act serious and still kind but was finding it hard.

“Boy...friend?” Basil began sniffling, about to cry.

“Yes...” Basil started crying and Bernard couldn’t help but pull him into a hug, stopping the tears a little. “I take it you still have a crush on me then.”

Basil nodded. Bernard sighed, remembering why he had wanted to keep Basil out of his life all these years. He didn’t often cry but was forever making inappropriate remarks and gestures towards Bernard, touching him with no regard for situation.

“Is it... definite?” Basil asked, turning over to lie on his back in Bernard’s lap, paws up cutely like a cat or dog.

“Yes. Humphrey’s my soul mate.” Bernard said with more conviction than he ever normally used in speech.

“Humphrey?!” Basil laughed. “But I’m your soul mate Derek...” Basil slipped a paw round his neck, smiling and trying to break Bernard.

“No Basil.” Bernard reached up, holding Basil’s hand and caressing his palm as he removed it from round his neck.

“You have two soul mates. One as Derek and one as Bernard.” Basil claimed, looking pleased with his reasoning.

Bernard had no response to that, unsure about it himself.

“Basil... I came here for a favour.”

“Oh yes...?” Basil chuckled in that low, fox-like way. He sat up, putting a hand on each of Bernard’s thighs and looking at him as if he knew exactly what kind of favour Bernard wanted.

“Not that kind...” Bernard blushed.

“Oh yes, of course. You get Humphrey to do that for you now.” He lingered on Humphrey’s name as if it was a joke.

Bernard sighed, wondering if he really would be able to resist Basil’s dashing charm and naughty inferences. Why he had ever resisted Basil with that long, silky looking hair and brush which could probably do the most dexterous and marvellous things in bed, was beyond him.

“I...” Bernard leaned in, whispering the entire situation to Basil who listened intently, glad to be so close to his Derek once again.

“I see...” Basil considered. “I think I can help you Derek... But what’s in it for me?” Basil moved forward, sitting further into Bernard’s lap till their crotches were nearly in contact.

“Not... that...” Bernard blushed and looked away. Perhaps it was Basil’s sexual nature that had made him so repressed now, unable to even say the word.

“Righto old chap. But you owe me in the future Derek.” Basil reminded him. Bernard nodded.

Chuckling to himself, Basil leaned in, pulling down the collar of Bernard’s shirt.

“Boom boom...”
Bernard was glad it was nearly winter. His plan would not work otherwise.

Entering the Prime Minister’s cabinet room with only a few minutes of the day remaining, he found Jim and Humphrey engaged in a discussion which appeared to be reaching its end.

“That is final Humphrey.” Jim decreed decisively.

“Oh really Prime Minister?” Humphrey stood, transforming into his full vampire form. Jim’s face showed he was about to perform another political U-turn- uh, policy rethink...

“On second thoughts, it’s not such a bad plan after all...” Jim said hurriedly, frightened for his life.

“I’m glad we’re in agreement.” Humphrey sat again, watching with those crimson eyes to see Jim sign.

“Wait.” Bernard said, striding forward from the doorway. It was very late, five minutes till 6 and the moon was already up, trying in vain to pour through the drawn curtains of the office.

“Yes Bernard?” Humphrey asked, glad to see his little blood donor again.

“Humphrey...” Bernard fidgeted. “Sir Humphrey...” This was obviously about something serious then. “It’s... not right to force the Prime Minister into all these things by threatening him. I think it’s wrong...” Bernard said, hoping his courage would hold.

“Oh really Bernard?” Humphrey stood, facing him with a confident smile.

“Uh, yes...”

“I am afraid Bernard, that your argument holds little gravitas here and now.” He glanced round at Jim who recoiled.

“Humphrey... I think you’ve gone, no offence intended of course, uh... mad with power...” Bernard admitted, staring into those alluring crimson eyes.

“Gone mad with power?” Jim joked. “How droll.”

Humphrey glowered at him. “Do you really think that Bernard?” He asked earnestly, looking back to the smaller Principal Private Secretary.

“Yes.” Bernard nodded, trying to raise a little courage. “And if you persist then...”

“Then?” Humphrey was intrigued. Could Bernard; dear, tame, weak, little Bernard, be trying to threaten him?

“Then I will... have to stop you.” Humphrey and Jim burst out laughing at how pathetic that sounded from Bernard who couldn’t even meet Humphrey’s eyes when he said it.

“If you are trying to defeat me with laughter, it is working Bernard.” Humphrey observed as Bernard strolled over to the curtains, taking hold of one in each hand.

Shaking a little, he threw them open and bathed himself in the moonlight.

Jim and Humphrey stared, open-mouthed and intrigued as Bernard crouched, hands over his face. Two orange ears sprouted from the top of
his head, pushing through his hair alongside his normal human ones. A long, bushy, furry brush emerged from the back of Bernard’s trousers, standing straight up and wiggling from side to side.

Bernard stood, looking at his hands. They were unchanged. He span round wildly noting the overwhelming lack of change.

“Oh...” His brush stopped wiggling and fell like his heart. His plan had failed.

Humphrey and Jim fell about in hysterics.

Bernard checked once again for claws or even any extra orange fur but there was nothing but the small orange ears and large, fluffy, duster like brush. He was disappointed by the lack of any hidden abilities such as enhanced strength or speed either.

“What on Earth are you doing Bernard?” Jim asked between the laughs.

“I was trying to help you. I thought by becoming a werefox-“

“Werefox?!” Jim and Humphrey echoed in unison, falling back into hysterics.

“I thought that I might be able to match Humphrey and help you. I appear to have failed however...”

“Oh Bernard...” Humphrey came over to him, human again. “You did that, to try and stop me?” He asked, disbelievingly.

Bernard nodded.

Humphrey sighed with a hidden chuckle. “Dear Bernard...” He pulled him into a hug which sent his brush wagging again. “You could have just said.”

“I’m very sorry Humphrey. It will only happen again in plenilunio.” Bernard smiled sheepishly and flattened his ears.

“In whato?” Jim asked.

“On the full moon.” Humphrey clarified, stroking those cute, little ears and giving Bernard’s brush a pull to check it was real. He turned to Jim properly. “My apologies Prime Minister. I was out of line. It will not happen again.” Humphrey attempted to show some respect to his supposed master who merely answered with a grunted,

“Yes, well... I think it’s time we all went home.”

Bernard and Humphrey looked at each other, said goodnight to Jim and left.

In the car ride back, Humphrey asked the obvious question Bernard had been expecting for a while now,

“How exactly did you become a werefox Bernard? Just who or what bit you?”

“Uh well, I have a strange friend who is part fox...”

“Part fox?” Was Bernard being literal?

“Yes. He is human, well sort of, but also part fox. It’s quite intriguing...”

“I see... Are you in the habit of keeping friends like that?” Humphrey smiled at the thought of Bernard surrounded by cute, little animals.

“Oh no. Basil is special.” Quite literally...

“Basil? As in, the best friend you named your puppy after?”

“Uh, yes...” Bernard had forgotten about little Basil. At least he didn’t flirt like the real one.

“I see... Do they look similar?”

“Not exactly. Basil has a brush like mine except all of the time. Apart from that and the way he acts, he’s quite human.”

“I see...” Humphrey was intrigued. This was quite a new side to Bernard’s life. “Is there any chance of you inviting him round some time for a
meal? I would quite like to meet him.”

“Oh no. That wouldn’t be a good idea Humphrey...” Bernard fidgeted, his brush quite uncomfortable to sit on in the car.

“Oh really?” Humphrey wondered why. Bernard was not normally so elusive.

Either way, they were home soon and once inside, Humphrey took Bernard’s buttons and clothes in hand, removing them all.

In the interesting of learning more about werefoxes of course.

(no subject)

“Prime Minister?”

“Mm.” Jim looked up, realising it was nearing the end of the day.

“Would you wish me to purchase your customary Christmas gifts for Sir Humphrey and I while I am out shopping soon?”

“What? Oh yes I- No Bernard, wait.” Bernard stopped and turned back. “It doesn’t seem right just to get you those boring, old customary gifts. You two are my closest friends and allies.”

Bernard stared at him with bemusement.

“You consider Humphrey a close al-“

“Supposed allies.” Jim corrected, then narrowed his eyes, “The pair of you.” Indignation passed across Bernard’s face. “No, I will purchase your Christmas presents myself.”

“Oh thank you Prime Minister.” Bernard looked forward to a proper present from a friend.

“Do you have any ideas about what I could get Sir Humphrey...?” Jim waved his hand in small circles.

“No Prime Minister. I haven’t got him one myself yet...” Bernard knew he would have to soon.

“Right... well, see you tomorrow then Bernard.”

“Goodnight Prime Minister.”

Bernard exited, both of them thinking hard about the two presents they would have to get.

Humphrey, however, had barely registered that because it was December, Christmas was coming. He was blissfully unaware of the entire thing currently.

That soon changed when he walked into the living room later that night and found Bernard tangled in a mess of Christmas lights, tree already up.


“Mm?” Bernard looked up, smiling.

Humphrey sighed. “Do you need a hand perchance?”

“Oh, yes. Thank you.”

As with work though, Humphrey only seemed to make things into more of a mess rather than sort them out. Bernard resigned to doing it himself again while Humphrey watched.

“So is Christmas coming then?” Humphrey asked, looking at Bernard’s little box of decorations. He had none himself.

Bernard looked at him, then at the tree. “No.”

“Quite right, what was I thinking Bernard...”

Bernard did eventually get the lights and other decorations onto the tree, before standing back and bumping into Humphrey who stood behind him. He was suddenly lifted high up into the air.

“Wha- Humphrey! What are you doing?!”

“Just putting the fairy on top of the tree.” He smiled and moved to place Bernard upon it.

Bernard struggled away to the ground and went to his box.

“Oh, I’ve lost my fairy...” Bernard realised. Perhaps he would have to sit on the tree himself.

“So what do you want for Christmas this year Bernard?” Humphrey moved closer, cuddling him.

“Well a surprise would be awfully nice.”

“Oh... I...”

“You’ll think of something Humphrey; you always do.” Bernard pulled away playfully and took him by the hand, pulling in the direction of the stairs as it was now late.

“Do I have to get you something? I mean, are you getting me something?”

“Oh yes. And Jim is getting something special for you as well so you’ll need to get a present for him.”

Humphrey sighed. He just didn’t understand the mindset of the children he worked with.

Time did not help his cause either, the next morning catching Bernard who fell off a chair putting up tinsel in Jim’s cabinet office and a few days later walking in to find Jim in a Santa hat.

He was certain that Bernard’s trips into the city in the evenings were to find gifts and began to feel exasperated that he too would soon need to mingle with the thronging plebeians while hunting presents. Giving things away was not something that generally came easily to him after all.

Despite hunting most days, Bernard was finding his task no easier. There were books and such basic things to consider but he wanted his gifts to be special, a proper surprise as he wanted himself.

Jim was also in difficulty, realising he had Annie to shop for as per usual.

Surprisingly, Humphrey was the first to think up an idea for a present but instantly dismissed it as daft.

“Well Bernard can be quite daft at times too...” He mused, setting it as a fallback plan.

Whilst in the average boring meeting with some members of the WI, Jim remembered an old conversation he and Humphrey had had and cackled under his breath at his brilliance.

“Prime Minister? Are you... cackling?”

“Me? No... Just... happy to be here.”

Humphrey decided his fallback plan was daft.

The one he went with was dafter still though.

Bernard’s present done, he moved on to Jim thinking through all kinds of books on political philosophies or ways of controlling Jim remotely.

“Perhaps, a way to brainwash him would be the kindest gift...”

Bernard was having the hardest time of all. With Christmas soon only a few days away, he became somewhat frantic in his search, checking in the strangest of places.

With sudden, Christmas Eve Eve luck, he found what he was looking for.

The four, for they could not forget Annie, met late on Christmas Eve night at a small party in no. 10. They exchanged gifts there, Annie and Humphrey having to slap their partners’ hands away from the little gaps in the corners of the wrapping paper.

Carrying their various packages back to trees, they all returned home, hopefully to get some sleep.
Humphrey blinked himself awake a little earlier than normal, feeling a blue gaze upon him.

“So how long have you been up then Bernard...?” Humphrey sat up in bed, slipping his arms around Bernard’s waist and pulling him in tight.

“Half an hour or so... Can I...?” Bernard looked to the bedpost at the end of the bed. There was a fluffy white rim peeking over it and a red stocking which he knew was just full of presents.

“Yes of course.” Seeing Bernard so childishly happy about Christmas made Humphrey understand the thrill of pleasing a child.

“Aren’t you going to open your’s Humpy?” Bernard pointed to the end of the bed.

Humphrey was surprised to see a similar red stocking with his name on it. It was full as well. A sideways glance at Bernard showed his hidden, devious smirk.

The presents inside were the various books and the like that the pair had asked for or mentioned but not got round to buying during the year.
Nothing incredibly special but it was enough to distract Bernard so that he didn’t even notice Humphrey leave, make a cup of tea and come back to bed.

Enjoying a rare day off, the pair decided to lay in bed a little longer reading.

Humphrey looked from his book to set his cup aside and found a head resting in the open pages when he looked back.

“Mm?” He slid a hand into Bernard’s hair.

“Humphrey... since we have the morning off...”

“You don’t mean have sex in the morning(?!) How unheard of(!)”

Bernard blushed and slid a hand to Humphrey’s waist, entering his dressing gown and stroking the warm, slightly furry part under his stomach before moving lower still.

“Oh Bernard...” He lay down to roll over and pull Bernard on top of him. “Would you like to take me then? As a Christmas treat of course...”

“Of course.” He yanked Humphrey’s dressing gown open and lay himself down on top of him.

Kissing and burying his face in Humphrey’s neck, he felt his bottoms pulled down and the special warmth of skin against skin. As Bernard reached down for that hole, he realised just how much he needed this every time they did it.

As Bernard felt around for the lube between their pillows, Humphrey leaned up on an elbow.

“Perhaps I should have wrapped myself as a present Bernard... Would you have liked that?”

“I already have you Humphrey.” Bernard pushed him down strongly, assertively. He smirked as he “had” Humphrey then.

Despite being shorter than the older Permanent Secretary, Bernard was really thrusting in all the way, rocking Humphrey’s hips up desperately. The heat and friction was already becoming unbearable as the bare skin rubbed together, slickened slightly with lube.

“Oh... ooh... Bernard...” Humphrey came far quicker than expected, the pressure against his prostate just too much.

Bernard caught the semen on his fingers, saving it and lapping it up, the sweet yet salty flavour pushing him over inside.

He came round to Humphrey’s gravelly, morning voice despite his tea.

“That was possibly the best start to a morning I have ever had Bernard.”

“Can we go open presents now?”

“How quickly you change tact Bernard...” Humphrey lamented, amused as Bernard pulled out, slipped his bottoms back on and ran off downstairs.

Humphrey followed, dressing gown open to find Bernard making toast.

“What did you get our precious leader then Bernard?” Humphrey loved the smell of toast but not as much as Bernard’s.

“I’m afraid I can’t tell you that Humphrey.” Bernard flicked him on the nose as Humphrey often did to him.

“Oh well, I suppose the greatest present today is an entire day off with you my dear, lovely, gorgeous Bernard.” Humphrey kissed the nape of the neck in front of him till Bernard began to struggle and chuckle with delight.

Mainly due to Bernard’s insistence, after a shower together they finally got to what he’d been waiting for most of the month.
Christmas presents.

He sat down on the living room floor by the tree, under which were only three presents as neither had had the time to visit family yet.
Bernard thrust his present from Jim at Humphrey who caught it.

“Do you want me to go first perhaps?”

Bernard stared at him expectantly, wondering what their good friend had given him.

An unconventionally wrapped gift, Humphrey opened it efficiently as he would anything, momentarily shocked by what was inside.

“How could he have known...? A leak?”

As Humphrey looked closer, he realised the coincidence was just that.

“What is it?” Bernard asked, kneeling up.

“Close your eyes Bernard.”

Confused, he did so.

He felt the hands round his neck and something left there like a tight necklace. Bernard couldn’t resist opening his eyes to see the collar being put around his neck, a little tag reading “Bernard” of course.

“A dog collar? For me?” Bernard was utterly confounded.

“I mentioned how puppy like you are to the Prime Minister. I guess he took it quite literally...” Humphrey mused. “It looks very good on you.” Humphrey leaned in, taking Bernard’s ear to his mouth. “Hopefully, it will help keep you disciplined for once.”

“Don’t count on it.” Bernard whispered, flicking a tongue out to lick the tendon in Humphrey’s neck.

Humphrey handed him his present from Jim

“Obviously a book...” Humphrey said dryly, judging the wrapped gift easily.

“Not necessarily...” Bernard reminded him. “Oh.”

Humphrey grinned. How could he possibly be wrong?

“Illiud Latine dici non potest”

“You can’t say that in Latin...” Bernard translated easily, flicking through the slightly yellowing pages. Contrary to the title, all the book contained were various phrases in Latin. Some well known, others laughably obscure.

“Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.”

“And that means?” Humphrey’s skills were not quite that good.

“I can’t hear you. I have a banana in my ear. Oh, I like this one: Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam posit materiari?”

“And that is? Apart from being quite a mouthful...”

“How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?” Bernard dexterous tongue was no match for such a simple toungetwister.


Meanwhile, Jim was opening his presents from his boys.

He was incredibly surprised by Humphrey’s; “How to run a country.” It was only a small, short book but apparently hand written by the Cabinet Secretary himself. It was no surprise when Jim read some of the instructions inside.

“1. Being a dictator helps.
2. Try to do as little as possible.
3. Have good advisors.”

It went into a bit more depth but Jim had much trouble knowing whether it was meant in jest or not. You never could tell with Humphrey and his secret, strange sense of humour.

Bernard’s gift was more interesting and befitting of his sometimes devious nature. The note with it read,

“This is a lie detector. I have already programmed it to Sir Humphrey for your convenience Prime Minister. Use it as you see fit.
Your loyal Principal Private Secretary Bernard.”

Jim chuckled to himself, wishing he was back in office with Humphrey today to see if it really worked.

Even if it didn’t Jim loved the idea.

In the meantime, having prised the book from Bernard’s hands, Bernard finally handed his small present to Humphrey and blushed.

“I hope you like it... It’s only small but... Oh gosh...” Bernard blushed even deeper as Humphrey leaned in to kiss him.

“I’m sure I’ll love it.”

“You can’t really guarantee that...” Bernard mused as Humphrey undid the ribbon.

“Oh I can...” Humphrey slipped down to the floor to be closer to Bernard.

With some happy trepidation, Humphrey lifted the lid on the small black box.

Inside was a necklace, silver thread. The pendant was of a heart; one half black and the other white. In the middle where they met was a diamond shaped gem of a grey like colour that caught the coloured fairy lights beautifully like a speckled, iridescent rainbow.

“Bernard...” Humphrey let him put it round his neck. “Thank you. It’s... incredible.”

“It’s not much...”

“It is to me. May I ask, what gem is in the middle?” The jewel was a dark grey, verging on almost black.

“It’s a grey diamond. Not that you’re a grey person! I- It just-“ Humphrey kissed him quiet.

“I’m not sure my present to you really compares with this...” Humphrey rubbed his thumb over the smooth pendant.

Bernard began smiling uncontrollably. “Where is it then Humphrey?” There was no presents left under the tree. “Is it sitting in front of me?”

“Not quite.” Humphrey stood and left the room, making Bernard remember the times as a child when parents did that to fetch larger gifts.

He was still wondering what it could possibly be when something knocked him over onto his back on the floor.


He sat up a little and looked.

“Oh my...”


“You got me a puppy!” Bernard picked up the little thing and cuddled it to his chest.

“I know you said you like cats more but I thought-“

“Oh it’s adorable!” Bernard barely even noticed Humphrey now who sat on the sofa once again. “What kind is it?” Bernard held the puppy away, inspecting it.

“He’s a mongrel of some kind. I didn’t really ask.”

The puppy was small, quite small even for a puppy. It had pointed-up ears and glowing auburn eyes. Overall, it was a slightly dulled orange colour with a white bib and underside like it had an orange jacket on over a white shirt. It was certainly some part exotic as it had a very fluffy tail; long, soft chestnut fur with a white tip.

“Rrrr... Rruph!”

“I made sure it wasn’t one of those little yippy ones. I can’t stand them. Apparently, he has quite a lazy temperament most of the time...” Humphrey mused, watching Bernard conducting a staring contest with it. “What are you going to call him then?”

Bernard looked at Humphrey then back to the puppy, silently staring at him.

“...He reminds me of a best friend I had a long time ago. I think, little one, I will call you Basil.”


The puppy, close to Bernard’s face, attempted to bite his nose. Bernard bit back, snapping just in front of the little black one. They traded air-bites for a while before Bernard grabbed his muzzle gently, shutting it. Basil whined and pushed up against Bernard’s hand till he let go.

“Grrr...” The puppy dived at Bernard’s chest suddenly, knocking him over again.

“I didn’t think he was that aggressive...” Humphrey mused.

“He’s just being playful.” Basil curled up on Bernard’s chest and went to sleep. “Oh. I see what you mean about him being lazy.”

“Do you like him?” Humphrey asked, still unsure.

“Of course. I adore him. He’s so perfect...” Bernard picked him up in his hands, barely bigger than a bag of sugar and about as heavy. He moved to put him on the sofa cushions to sleep.

“No Bernard. He’s not allowed on the furniture.”

“But...” Bernard whined.


Remembering he still had his own collar on, Bernard went to find a more suitable place for Basil to sleep in the conservatory.
He slept all day in his little bed, waking again at evening time and whining.

“Is he hungry?” Humphrey asked, having never had a dog before.

“Did you buy a leash? I think I need to take him outside...” Bernard walked Basil outside, glad there was a fenced field at the end of the garden for walking him in.

“Now you better do what Humphrey says too Basil; he can be very mean sometimes.” Bernard tapped Basil on the nose when he returned from running round and round in circles. Basil went to nip his finger but Bernard was too quick.

“Why do you insist on biting me? I don’t taste that nice.” Basil dived and pulled at Bernard’s shoelaces.

“You are going to be a handful, aren’t you Basil?” Bernard picked him up and Basil calmed and yawned, signalling he was ready to sleep again “Well when you’re awake at least.”

He carried him back to the house before asking Humphrey who was standing on the patio waiting, “What about when we go back to work? What if he gets lonely by himself?”

“He sleeps all day apparently Bernard. I don’t think he will miss you that much.”

“Still...” Bernard worried but he also knew Basil seemed quite independent. Perhaps he wouldn’t mind too much after all.

It turned out Bernard was right, Basil wasn’t even awake by the time they returned home from work. He fell asleep shortly after they left and slept most of the night as well.

“Are you sure you bought a dog and not a cat Humphrey?” Bernard asked after a week.

“I neglected to check what breed he was Bernard. He could be part cat or even part fox for all we know.”

Humphrey was endlessly telling Bernard to discipline him as Basil ran round the house with Humphrey’s shoelaces in his mouth or jumped up on the sofa to curl up in Bernard’s lap in the evenings.

The only time Bernard ever did discipline Basil was when he had grown a bit and began chasing rabbits in the spring.
After Bernard shouted at him across the field to stop, Basil came back with his tail between his legs and his tummy on the ground.

“No. You do not chase rabbits.” Bernard smacked him lightly on top of the head and Basil whimpered, coming to heel without being taught ever to. Teaching Basil tricks was impossible; he just sat there and yawned before curling up to sleep every time Bernard tried.

Like his master, Basil became a little more devious as he grew, sneaking up and into bed with them at night and working his way between the pair and into Bernard’s arms.

He never did get much bigger than a cat or a small fox though.

Hope that was enjoyable. I love the idea of Basil Brush and Yes Minister crossover but it would be very hard to do. This was a sort of attempt.

The Night Before
( You are about to view content that may only be appropriate for adults. )

Fanfic 100 start - If I Fell

Well here's the start of my fanfic 100 challenge i have undertaken for Paul/Ian. I have quite a few written so they'll go up when i have the time. I would suggest reading them in order as they may make references to the others. Most are 1000 - 2000 words on various themes and aspects of their relationship. All of them are named after Beatles songs because they make great titles and it means i don't have to think up them myself.

Remember to comment if you do read my fics as i feel lonely and unloved because i don't think anyone is reading these. Maybe it'll pick up again when HIGNFY starts in October...

This is the first one:

If I FellCollapse )

A lazy autumn afternoon... Nothing to do at Paul’s we set out for a walk, he did live in a rural village after all. Nowhere special, just a walk.

Wrapped up in jumpers and with hands buried in pockets, we set off. We would transfer them into each other’s pockets once we were properly alone. Paul had his travelling hat on too.

I never told him but I like that hat. It suits him and it always went on holiday with him, something I wish I could do.

We set off across some fields; Paul knew the way. He larked about of course, hiding behind bushes or pretending to fall over. He acted childishly, pointing out every animal we saw, and tried to catch the many bugs we encountered, but they outwitted him, a rare occurrence.

“Hey Ian, catch!”

A lump of dry, fallen leaves were thrown at me. I of course failed to catch them. I now see why Paul brought us to a wood.

He was off again, having finished gloating at me, to another tree. I followed him trying to be in good spirits as I brushed the leaves from my jumper.

“Conkers!” I could tell he was being deliberately childish but he still enjoyed it and I still found it adorable. The upside to being a kid in an adult’s body is height which meant he could collect the conkers from the tree easily where as I would have had to jump for them.

After collecting the conkers, he moved on to harvest the other trees which mainly consisted of nuts neither of us knew what to do with. Pretty soon, I was being pelted with nuts so ran after him through the dead leaves littering the forest. He tripped slightly giving me opportunity to catch up.

In tripping though, his hat fell off somewhat allowing the wind to catch it and find it a new home in a nearby sycamore. We stared up at it.

Paul knew there was no way either of us could reach that high and began to look like he might cry.

“My hat...” I stood beside him looking up at it helplessly.

After trying jumping, he took out the conkers he had collected earlier, maybe for this very purpose, and started throwing them up trying to dislodge it. No matter how many hit though the hat stayed stuck.

Paul really did look like he might cry now. I wanted to do something but couldn’t think of anything short of climbing the tree.

“My hat... I loved that hat...” He sounded like he had given up all hope already but that just wasn’t like Paul. I had to think of some way to get it down. I first tried shaking the tree with a hand from Paul, we waited for the wind, but it wasn’t strong enough. Nothing we threw was good enough. His hat was soundly stuck.

Paul looked like he had given up by now and turned to go, muttering he would check again in a couple of days. I wasn’t going to wait that long.

“Ian? Ian what are you doing?!”

Be brave Ian.

“You can’t be serious!”

This was for Paul.

I had climbed the tree and regretted it now. The branch was steady for the moment or at least looked it.

“You’re a hamster not a squirrel Ian!” Paul was standing below me, looking up at me for once. No time to gloat about that though.

I edged slowly out onto the branch, regretting every moment climbing up here. Why couldn’t I have just left the hat? It was only a hat. Just because it was Paul’s, just because it meant a lot to him I would pretty much risk my life for it. Love really is a daft thing to get into sometimes.

My feet still touching the trunk, I reached out almost horizontally to the white hat which was snagged on a twig and unhooked it, getting one finger to it so I could pull it back into my hand. Paul cheered slightly but still looked worried when I smiled down at him.

“Thanks, but maybe you should think about climbing down now.”

“Can’t. I think the branch is about to go.” I was still smiling at him curiously. The branch felt a little like it was beginning to give.

“You’re joking, right?” Paul looked apprehensive with good reason.

“Sad to say I’m not...” The smile was beginning to fade as I looked back at my feet slowly getting higher as I sank.

“Oh crap! Ian get down from there!”

“I think I may be about to do that Paul!”

Why did I climb up here?

Why oh why?

All to make Paul happy.

The branch went.

I fell through the air of course as I can’t hover and landed on Paul who had kindly moved to catch me. His knees buckled and we collapsed into the pile of sycamore leaves pooled around the base of the tree.

“Ian! Are you alright?!”

“Oww... I’m fine...” I wasn’t too badly hurt, a little bruised and shocked but not hurt.

“Oh thank God! What the hell were you doing?!” I removed the branch from between us as we curled up together against the base of the tree.

“Your hat.” I returned it. He sighed and took it, inspecting it for damage before putting it firmly on my head.

“You’re really stupid sometimes... Thanks.” I knew what he meant.

We got up after a while and walked off again, one of our hands always on his hat just in case. He stopped to pick up some more conkers before heading home.

I guess this day just proves I really would do anything for Paul, or his hat.


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